Well...what an interesting past few weeks...jeez...and change of text, easier to read...

So I'm pretty sure Kyle and I are done fighting finally...it was getting pretty stupidly repetitive, but now I'm just really excited to be going to see him Like, long distance fights with not very much history are super hard, I think, because you have so much less to make you want to hold on to, and you just kinda have to go on believe. Will said he really felt like I was forcing the relationship, and he was absolutely right, because I felt like I was too.  I just didn't want to talk about the crap we were arguing about, but it's better now that everything has been out on the table and we've been picking it apart for a couple weeks. I really just want to see him, so bad. I miss him even more now that we're all okay.  I definitely was NOT off when I felt like I was falling in love with him...it's a process though and it takes time.

Zack and I had a really long conversation Monday night...on vicadin and vodka...yes, I know, not such a great idea, but hey, it happened and I was so freaking relaxed (he was all tingly though...yeah that never happened to me, I just got relaxed). But we talked about everything from like future plans, to the Jersey boys drama, to Troisi, to Kyle. We literally sat on the couch for 2 and a half hours playing MarioKart until 4 in the morning, after a mile walk around the neighborhood and past Quickcheck lol and for at least an hour of it we just bashed my boyfriend in all bashable areas...which, we discovered were very few, but the areas we could...we expanded hahaha But he made a few statements that were really profound for me, I guess. One in particular, he was asking me why I miss Troisi after I texted him and told him I was in Pequannock, and we had a discussion on that, and he said "Even if you did get back together, she would never be gone...as much as you would want her to be, and as much as he would tell you she was, she he would never give her up," and wow did that hit hard.  Other ones had to do with Kyle and how he isn't doing anything wrong, he's just doing and saying things that are completely unnecessary, which is true, and he was saying that they're little things, but the little things are most important. Then I realized that yeah he does little things that are annoying or wrong or whatever, but he does soo many more that aren't bad, that are good and sweet, etc.

Finally, Troisi never texted me back, and later on Zack said he thinks I was disappointed that I didn't see him.  He's right.  I think I had convinced myself that I meant more to Troisi than an occasional "Hey I have a problem..." text or phonecall, and me being there and him not even saying he could or could not see me or whatever was kinda a wake up slap in the face. This is over, and it's been over, and we're not friends like I though we were, and we're certainly not anything more than that. Kyle said something about hope in his last email, and I think that helped squash any that I had. It really is like a night and day thing, and it seems that not seeing or hearing him did me good...because it also somehow helped me be less upset with my boyfriend. I think that I was teetering on talking to Troisi about being upset with Kyle and everything, and for some reason I was holding onto it, and when he showed me, again, how much I don't mean to him and how much when he says he misses me, it's another lie, it flipped a switch for me that was like "Drop whatever you're holding on to" and I did.  And now instead of thinking that me and Kyle just aren't gonna work because of the fighting and because of hanging with people like Josh and CG who know me and reminded me that he doesn't, I just want to see him and want to work to make this work. He's so worth it.

He really is amazing and I really am so blessed.  I mean, he's smart, he's got a faith...when he was still here we went to mass every Sunday together, he's funny, he's got a plan for his life and knows what he wants, he's disciplined, he's honest, he's a leader, he's hard-working, he's attractive, he's a bodybuilder, he speaks 3 languages, he's cultured and has been to other countries, he can cook, his family and friends like me a lot, my mom really likes him, and my dad actually called him a nice guy...I don't think that's ever happened before in the history of like, my life. He and dad actually got along really well, drinking beer and talking lol and he helped mom out in the kitchen a lot too. And he and my sister hit it off within the first 3 hours of meeting...I don't know why I was so convinced it was going to hell in a hand basket...I'm probably just really scared to get hurt again...but you can't really blame me

Aside from that, I went to Maddy's on a whim last Wednesday until Friday...it was a blast! And her mom bought me a specialty bra from a boutique...32 D...I'm so freaking out of proportion lol but it was so nice of her. I'm not even used to my parents buying me things, and it was a $70 bra. I didn't even know what to say aside from Thank You like a million times. And we watched The Opposite of Sex. Holy freaking hilarious. But anyway, then Zack picked me up and stayed with me in Baltimore from Friday-Monday....very productive weekend, we got a lot done in terms of stuff we needed to check out and buy and all. Then I drove back with him Monday, had a great night lol and took a bus from Willowbrook Mall to NYC and then another bus, Megabus, from NYC to Baltimore. Awesome. Megabus prices are amazing. $40 or less for roundtrip from Baltimore to NYC. I'm thinking about going back up to Jersey this weekend to visit Kyle's mom and uncle and chill with Christine and Kristin, but I don't know if I can since I have to move before I go to San Diego on Monday...I can't wait!  But we'll see about this weekend.

Josh came and visited me today after work too! It was awesome, so relaxing and he's such a gentleman. He has no alterior motives and just likes to chill, so refreshing lol We just walked around Inner Harbor/Fells Point for 2 hours then grabbed dinner at Thai One and San Sushi Too (I think that's my favorite restaurant in Baltimore, seriously). Soccer starts the day before I get back. It's gonna be insane. 2 hours of soccer in the morning, 5 hours of work, 2 hours of fitness/agility. 9-7 every day from the 17th to the 25th. I'm gonna be dead, but I'm so excited for it!! And an insane fall semester coming up. I am going to have time for nothing. It's kind of a blessing in disguise that Kyle's not here, because I don't think I'd be able to get everything done, do soccer, and have a boyfriend, to be quite honest.

It's certainly late enough...I think bed time for me now...work in the morning and gym when I get off, like usual!

Gb <><

Socolynn

 Alright....so I just got back from Georgia...it was a blast for the most part, with a few lil wrenches.  On Tuesday, Maddy, Dontana, Sarah and I piled into the "green machine" and headed down to Georgia.  Dontana drove about 4 or 5 hours, then I drove 2 and we pit-stopped in Charlotte.  My grandma, Aunt Heidi, Julia, Dillon and Michael were there.  Finally, they can visit Charlotte since Uncle Brad is out of the picture. I mean, it sucks that they're getting divorced, but coming home drunk and berating your wife, calling her a whore, and accusing her of having an affair, on a regular basis, is not okay, ever.  But anyway, we ate dinner, hung out with my family and talked til 12:30, then got back on the road, and I drove the whole way down to Savannah.  Of course, while I'm driving, the dashboard lights go out...at like 2:30 in the morning lol how convenient. But we managed to get there at 4 or whenever, without getting a ticket or otherwise.

We were all too dead on Wednesday to wake up and go to the beach.  We didn't wake up until like 12:30, didn't leave Lauren's house until 3:00-ish and went to a cafe which happened to be closing, so we walked in on the last day it was open...nice! Then we walked a few blocks and stopped for a very late lunch at this Italian place....soo yummy...and they were obsessed with cheese and bread lol We headed back to the house, hung out, Lauren made dinner and we all and stuff...it took a few days for everyone to warm up to each other too I'm pretty sure it was that night when Dontana had a bad night or whatever and got quiet and started journaling and stuff and everytime I said "Kyle" she got all upset and everytime I hugged Lauren she got upset. It was just ridiculous. Then I talked to Troisi for like 3 hours on the phone about stuff. I hate when he's going through stuff and I can't do anything to help.  It doesn't sound like Nicole has changed a whole lot since Spring...I mean I hope she has, because he deserves so much better than that, at least in my eyes. Zack said she's gotten more mature, so that's a plus. But he was asking about Kyle, and I was kinda reluctant to talk about it because I was having issues with him. But then, of course, somehow we got onto us. Lauren was talking in my ear half the time saying things like "This is the same person who told you he was happier without you in his life and you called me bawling last summer when you turned around on the highway because you weren't worth seeing and came home when I had to come get you" then she got frustrated and said "Kyle never stood a chance" which kinda threw me for a loop....and then started telling me I looked like I did in December when she took a picture of me texting. All bad signs lol not okay while I'm with Kyle. Somehow we got on the subject of marriage, I'm pretty sure because I went to a wedding, and he remembered my wanting to be married by 25 thing, and he said "Well how about if you're not married by the time you're 25, we get married" and I laughed and was like "Nooo, that wouldn't work" and stuff like that, but secretly, my heart jumped everytime he said he missed me and when he said he loved me  

Unfortunately from the past year and a half's events, I really don't want to get married anymore. I mean I do, but I can't see myself marrying anyone anymore because I planned my whole life with him in my head and my heart....and that got shattered, and I don't want to do that again with anyone. Right now I'm still moving away from ideas about my future with him....but I'll start on that in a sec. back to the Savannah trip lol Thursday we went to the beach without Lauren because she worked...and we got fried lol drank wine with Julianne, danced and played on the zipline...then got in a massive fight with Kyle which lasted like 2-3 hours because he started making smart ass comments while I was trying to be honest with him. Drunk Jess + smart ass boyfriend = flip the hell out. And he was crying and stuff and then Lauren talked to him and told him he was pushing me away, because he WAS, and I went off about how I can read him soo much more than he knew and that I just play dumb all the time and started spewing shit that I could read and he didn't believe me until everything I said was true. It was just bad, because I called him out on all his paranoia and insecurities, and was so frustrated and tired by the end of the fight, that I fell asleep in Lauren's lap still on the phone with him.  Then he pushed talking about everything while I was with the girls the rest of the week. I wanted to just be like WE WILL TALK ABOUT IT WHEN I AM NOT ON VACATION TRYING TO RELAX. I swear, drama follows me. I am a walking spanish soap opera lol Friday we were all too hung over to do anything until like 4 when we went out to dinner and to a few galleries and a candy place then an ice cream place, then back, but Sarah woke us all up around noon because she saw a bug and got stuck in the hoop skirt in the kitchen and started scrambling around....it sounded like a dog got loose on the kitchen floor. HYSTERICAL. Saturday was the beach again...all got fried (except Maddy, she hung out with Lauren at the house and helped make Ross's 3rd birthday cake. Sarah, Don, and I went to the Crab Shack....sooo yummy. Then we went back , showered, and went to visit Lauren at the mall at Charlotte Russe where she works. Maddy and I both bought dresses. Speaking of buying things, Sarah looks good in EVERYTHING. It's not fair lol But anyway, then we took Lauren out to dinner at Applebee's and had a BLAST, I mean, look at our faces!: yeah....I'm burnt/tan haha but this was our awesome waiter, Gabe: he was hilarious. We even got him to pull a prank on Lauren. We saw him ring this bell and get everyone's attention to announce this girl's birthday earlier in the night. So when Lauren left the table, Maddy came up with the idea to get him to ring the bell and announce a congratuations to Lauren for expecting her first child, which she isn't lol and I got him to do it.  Lauren then shoved two pieces of ice down my bra. It was such a great night! We got back and Sarah and Dontana were acting ridiculous because they were drinking a lot.  Well....then I went to bed early at like 1:00 because I was on the phone then really tired and we left before noon on Sunday.

So negatives of the trip: emotional confusion lol, fight with Kyle, Dontana....she was bitchy to only me when she was upset and used every chance she could get to be all over me, including her bi-polar disorder and being drunk and "comforting" me when I was pissed at Kyle...just ridiculous. We finally told Maddy about the Dontana thinking she's in love with me thing, and she was like "Why is it always you? The world needs to get more originial..." We laughed SO hard. Anyway. Then there was the Fayetteville stop on the way back to visit Dontana's dad. Never again. She had a breakdown for a half hour in the bathroom of a gas station about 45 minutes later, which, of course, I had to be there and hold her through. I don't want to NOT be there for her, I just don't think it's helping her AT ALL. I was trying to compare it to the me and Troisi situation when I was just a fucking moron and was drunk dialing him all the time when he didn't want to talk to me and didn't want me...well...he still doesn't want me...but that's a different thing entirely. But anyway, the situations don't compare. Because I never did anything with her and the relationship we had was not dating...it was like a very escalated friendship, which she blew WAY the fuck out of porportion. And he, I think  at least, still misses the me-him thing sometimes, even though he gave me every reason in the world for why we could never work, and it's not like that with her. I don't miss her like that. I wanna chill with her. But I don't want to be around her a lot, I don't want to be touching her like, ever, I think she's immature and annoying with all of this. I just wanna be able to chill with my friends without her acting like she's freaking 10 years old. Last negative...the money. These girls get too much money from their parents and argue too much about paying for shit. Which I get really annoyed with, really quickly, so I just end up paying for everything with my own money. Not my parents' money. And some of them pay me back, some really don't at all and take full advantage to the point where it's ridiculous. I feel like a freaking sugar mama lol....oh well...we'll see. If it's not reciprocal, I just won't do it anymore.

SO with the boy situation...Lauren and I have an ongoing discussion...and what we've decided is that everything that is meant to be will be, but we have to continue to live our lives to the fullest and the best we possibly can as close to the directions in which God is pointing us, regardless of the hurdles, the punches, and the bridges...because otherwise we're going to continually stumble and fall and veer away from the path that will bring us the most out of our lives.  If she's meant to be with Nate she will be, if she isn't she won't.  Same with me with Kyle.  But she and I have decided that now is the time to enjoy our lives and what God has blessed us with, roll with the punches, and have faith in our futures and what we have the potential to make them.  And that's how I've been living for the past 7 or so months, and although I falter, it brings an enormous amount of peace and joy, not happiness...that's different, through all the situations in my life, regardless of what I'm dealing with or how sad or upset I am.  Just like tonight.  Last night I was talking to my coach about this awesome possibility to teach internationally....and I'd be gone for like 2-5 years in another country at an international school. I want to go to somewhere like Colombia or Saudi Arabia, because they're so dangerous that a lot of teachers don't want to go there because of the violence factor, but those kids need good teachers too, and that is so worth it to me. Zack said no. Kyle said fuck no and that I'm crazy because as a woman, especially an American woman, it would be hard for me to be able to do anything there and I would be hated, etc etc and that it's more harm than good. I tried to text Troisi about it because after hearing that from one of my best friends and my boyfriend...that basically both of them don't support me...I felt kinda shitty about it, but still wanted to do it, but I guess it wasn't really worth his time? I don't know, I didn't make it sound like I really needed to talk...thank you walls...but whatever, I'm still  alright.... I just have the lyrics of "Everytime I Hear Your Name" perpetually playing in my head. I need to not listen to that and remember that if I'm feeling crappy I need to pray about it or talk to my family...because if I'm not worth his time, again, I need to stop trying to be...however subtlely...I'm only hurting myself here.

Socolynn

holy long entry... 

SO I'm back at work, got back way later than I was hoping to from York.  I was hoping to be back in the office by about noon, instead I got back around 5:45, so I'll probably try to get in a good 4 or 5 hours tonight and another 5 or 6 hours tomorrow before we head down to Georgia.  I cannot wait, at all.  I am very seriously contemplating leaving my phone in Baltimore and only bringing my laptop for the sole purpose of uploading pictures, because it's supposed to be a vacation.  I'm really, really hoping it's no stress   And I'm already definitely leaving my phone at Lauren's when we all go to the beach.  I think Maddy is going to be in shock with the heat, Sarah is gonna get fried, and the two Southern Belles will be just fine...burning up, but just fine

I'm super pumped that the plans worked out. It's probably a good thing that I didn't have working internet all weekend, especially when I went into panic mode yesterday when Lauren nonchalantly told me we might have to change our plans, 2 days before we left. I made a journal entry on my computer, which I deleted, because it was honestly just brutal...and I'd like to be at least thought of as a nicer person than that haha

Moving on...Kimmie got me on Friday to go up for Ashleigh's wedding Saturday. We got back to Kimmie's house and walked in and her mom like jumped on me and was like I MISS YOU!!! haha soooo adorable. Josh's mom did the same thing at Ash's wedding, but anyway Kimmie and I went out to XS, a gay club every night of the week but Thursday, and had a lot of fun. We just danced, just like the Dane Cook skit haha no one on our asses at all...well two straight guys did manage to find us, and the one was really interested in her, and she was drunk interested in him, the other one was trying to talk to me and I was just kinda like...uhmm...yeah, no. I was nice, as always, but I gave him all turn off signals, which he definitely caught, because he was mad that his buddy wanted to stay because Kimmie was into him and he was getting no attention. Oh boo hoo, don't try to pick girls up at clubs, it works better that way. But Kimmie knows the manager, so we got in free and got free drinks. I had two Greygoose drinks, then stopped because I had to drive Was not anywhere near obliteration, so it was awesome sauce.  If I would have had a car I probably would have gone to chill with CG, but since I didn't, oh well, because I had fun anyways!

Ashleigh's wedding on Saturday was a blast. Everyone kept asking if Josh and I were dating though haha by the end of the night the introduction turned into "We went to highschool together and kept in contact, and since Josh didn't want to look for a date, he asked me." Much easier that way.  But I'm pretty sure that is up there in my nights of fun, defnitely top ten, and I didn't drink AT ALL at the wedding I was just the leader of the dance so the DJs were in love with me hahaha and poor Whitney and Brittany...they were so dead from the previous few days and I kept dragging them out there to dance with me. So much fun!  And ironically, after Kimmie and I had had a conversation the night before about NOT getting married anytime soon (or ever for that matter, neither of us like the idea of giving yourself completely just to get burned again) Whitney and I devised a plan to avoid the bouquet when Ashleigh threw it.  First of all, we stood in the front, then she jumped the the side and I ducked haha, well at least that was the plan. Instead if I would have ducked, the bouquet would have boinked me on the head, so I just stood there and it literally landed in my hands. I didn't even reach up for it. I was just like , bit my lip and put my head down.  I really didn't know what to say or do. I was just like wow... And somehow I forgot about the single guy catching the garder has to put it on the single girl who caught the bouquet tradition. Awkward. It is the most awkward thing ever to have someone put a garder on you in front of 120 people. It's even more awkward when it's someone you don't know. I was bright red and embarrassed and nervous, see:

Couldn't even keep my eyes open...oye...but it was a lot of fun other than one of the most awkward moments of my life

Mmm yesterday got to hang out/see CG for the first time in a year...so awesome. I love that kid. He was falling asleep at the end of the night though, so I just asked him to take me back to Kimmie's before she got home, since he was like...OUT...and I wanted him to get rest before he went into work at 8 in the a.m. today. But we went to dinner and talked for a long time about a lot of stuff, then played washers in his backyard, then watched Old School and The Bourne Supremacy, then the ESPYs, still talking and having tickle battles lol like usual. I haven't seen his parents in forever either, so it was good to catch up with them too.

Yep...eventful, very fun weekend. Everyone can use those every once in awhile

On the flip side, my mind's been racing like crazy over a lot of stuff, especially with catching the dumb bouquet at the wedding....but I do have to get back to work, so maybe I'll expand later, maybe not haha but as for now I'm out of here!

My oh my this was a long entry....

Socolynn

I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do, follow me there, a beautiful somewhere, a place that I can share with you.....

Holy crap, well I think it's been long enough, certainly, and it took me an entire day to figure out how to post a weblog...how humbling, once you think you're at least semi-technologically-savvy

Well, I'm at work, and actually getting ready to leave.  My signature has actually become valuable with the grant on which I am working, although, it's value is tiring, because I have signed 50 "thank you" letters today for those who took the Math Assessment.  I still have about another 65 to sign tomorrow, and then to data entry for the teachers who took it.  I'm finished the first round of data for the students, and oh my the results are astounding. I am truly a dork, because I love this research stuff and what I'm learning from it.

Anyway, I do have to get back to finishing up everything and heading out of here, since I've been here for just about 7 hours already, and have plans tonight.

Don't worry, I'll do a super long entry, just like in the olden-days, when I do have the time, as for now. I'm outta here.

I would like to say though, that reading through my old entries I broke my own heart. I was so innocent and I was so in love with him. No wonder I still miss him. And I wish I could bring that me back....

Maybe I'll even put one of my real journal entries on here, but then again, that would be quite a bit of my emotional self for the internet to read, so I may just hold off on that.

As always, God bless.

Socolynn

Oooooooookey dokies...so I've lived in Charlotte for a good...I dunno...3..4 weeks now and it's beginning to grow on me. Don't get me wrong, I miss ppl up north a TON, however, I'm making some pretty awesome friends down here. The guys are a tad to cliquey for me and most of them stopped talking to me after I said I had a bf. That's alright, I don't want friends like that anyway. I have a church, a Youth Group, a soccer team...I'm managing because I can't play...I was upset about that but eh, friends, and a job lol. I'm set for now. My baby's coming down in like FIVE days! FIVE!!!! I'm gonna go CRAZY waiting...I haven't seen him in a month! Sheesh! Well I love and miss all you guys lots and lots and I will try to keep updating...I'm still a myspace junkie...so you guys can hit me up there instead if you want www.myspace.com/jessthemusicjunkie

Love ya'll!!!

God bless

*minx*